Jessica fell asleep, Nicholas got tired, he went outside to get something to eat and have coffee for me and Carlos, Fortunately that there was a market after few miles from the motel, not so far, I was sitting reading the diaries, I didn’t feel Carlos coming toward me, until I felt his warm breath in my neck, he sat in the chair behind me, I tried to ignore him, but he was so close to me, he pushed my chair to face him, I was looking at the ground when he made me face him, taking my chin to meet his gaze, he said:
His voice was quite low, I felt like he was regretting or really sorry,
-for getting you in the middle of this mess.
-this my work.
I tried not to look at him, but he kept holding my chin to look at his eyes.
-that’s not a work like you have been doing, this one is very dangerous, I’m afraid that something may happen to you.
his voice got so husky when he came closer:
-because you’re so important to me.
-why am I important?
-because I feel strange things make me want you and want to make you safe, make you mine, make you far away from Nicholas, make you mine….
my eyes got wide with a strange look, I can’t understand how he felt like that toward me, I tried to get up and walk away from him, that’s wrong I know this situation isn’t right, what I feel also isn’t right, I love Nicholas and what I feel for Carlos is a desire that I can’t understand, what is this thing I feel for him? I can’t love both men, that’s not right.
He held my hand before I can walk away from him, and sat me back to the chair, holding my hand so hard, like I”ll run away from him, He got closer to me, we became so close, breathing the same air, or breathing each other’s air, he said:
-don’t run away from me, I know you feel what I feel.
-this is wrong, I love Nicholas.
-do you? so why your body and your eyes saying something else?
-saying you feel what I feel, and want what I want.
-how? you don’t know me, I don’t know you.
-I know you more than you think, and you know me too, stop that, this distance you make between us makes me crazy.
-stop please, this is wrong, I can’t.
I was tired from fighting him, from running from what I feel, even if I know this is wrong, but something brings me to him again, I don’t know what, but it’s stronger than me, he touched my face so slowly, tender soft touch, then he touched my lips, before pushing him away, he kissed me, I felt weak, like giving up to him, suddenly I heard Nicholas’s car pulling over, I opened my eyes, pushed Carlos away from me, went to breath fresh air from the window, Nicholas got in, I felt shiver all over my body, my cheeks felt them red and so warm, I didn’t look to Nicholas immediately after her got in, Carlos was still in his chair, Nicholas gave him the coffee, then came to me, he kissed me, then gave me my coffee, I looked to Carlos whose face was so angry and fired with anger, he went to the bathroom, me and Nicholas heard something broken, we knocked on the door, even Jessica woke up, we opened the bathroom’s door Carlos’s hand full of blood, I went to him, said:
-for God sake, what have you done?
-is it important?
He looked at me and pushed me away, going out from the room, Nicholas looked at me and his eyes were asking many questions, I couldn’t answer, I went after Carlos, he took Nicholas’s car keys, before he got to go anywhere, I ride the car, sat beside him, he drove away from the motel, he pulled over somewhere, in front of a lake, the sky fill with stars, it was clear and beautiful, even the moon was shining and wonderful weather. He went outside, I went after him, taking with me first aid kit from the car, I tried to take a look at his hand, but he pushed it away from me, and said:
-don’t, why you can’t understand that I didn’t want this to happen too.
-I really don’t understand you, why are you so mad at me?
-because I’m in love with you for God sakes.
-what? you can’t, you don’t know me and about that kiss maybe it’s a desire or just that you like me or miss your wife.
-are you crazy? like I have a lack of women in my life to desire or sleep with them, I’m not a boy in 18 or 20’s I’m a man in 37 years old, business tycoon, not a boy, who still struggling to know his feeling, and you, you feel the same for me too, stop denying it.
-No, I don’t and forget about that kiss, I love Nicholas and after this job, we won’t see each other again, so maybe it’s temporary and for just a moment, not love.
-oh my, God, I’ll lose my temper now, you’re driving me crazy, and by the way who said I’ll never see you again after all this mess finish?
-I said that, don’t need a permission from you.
He got closer to me, held me, pulled me toward him, I felt his hard chest, his warm breath in my hair, he whispered in my ears:
-You need my permission and I won’t accept “no” for an answer, I never lose what I want, and I’ll never lose you Anu.
I pushed him away, anger all over my face:
-stop, stop what you do, I don’t feel anything for you
I was lying, was hiding my eyes from him, to not figure out that I’m lying to him, I feel something and that makes me feel guilty, feel awful about myself, I feel guilty.
He held me again and took me before protesting, kissed me hard like kissing me was giving him the life, the air to breath, he kept kissing me without taking breath, he kissed me more and more, I was defenceless, was a little girl between his hand, I hated that, I hated those feelings I felt for him, hate the idea of being weak with him, that’s not me, I’m not myself when I’m with him, I was screaming from inside to stop him, but also I was screaming for more, he stopped suddenly I felt like I fell from the sky, He looked at me, my head was spinning, my leg couldn’t held me, he held me, his strong hand kept me on my foot, looked at me and said:
I tried to talk but my breath was hard, then said:
-you still say yo don’t feel anything for me?
-I hate you.
-I hate you, Carlos, hate your strength, hate what you do to me, hate what I’m feeling when I’m with you, hate cheating on Nicholas, the only man I fell in love with…
Before I could complete what I was saying, he soothed me, said:
-shhh, you feel what I feel, you want what I want, you need what I need, so stop fighting me.
-I can’t, please, Carlos, let me see you hand and let’s go back to the motel, Nicholas will suspect something and I love him.
he was angrier and he got closer to me with fast steps, suddenly I felt so young in his hand shaking me hard, he said:
-you, you make me so crazy, stop saying his name.
I looked at him, then his bloody hand, took his hand to clean it from blood, put an antibiotic on it, then covered it, he was silent when I finished I got back to the car waiting for him to back but this time I’ll drive back to the motel, He got back to the car, we went back to the motel, when I opened the door, Nicholas came fast to me holding me, he was afraid, I felt him, I felt I’m so guilty to give up to Carlos’ kiss, Carlos kept his face away from us, Jessica was laying on the bed, looked to everyone of us, I held back Nicholas wanting to feel safe with him, closed my eyes, wish to forget what I feel for Carlos, wish everything finish, and never see Carlos again, but inside me I was hurting that I feel something for Carlos, something beyond desire, something I can’t understand…….